Review: The Hills Have Eyes

So nothing else was on TV last night and I watched this from around halfway to the end.

Unfortunately the film had two things that always drive me crazy in horror films - psycho mutant hillbillies and utterly dumb characters.

Mutant hillbillies actually rank lower on my originality scale than zombies. At least zombies are menacing and their origins are generally not explained. Their properties and actions can be changed to suit a different type of story.

Mutant hillbillies are even more predictable - you just know that they'll live in some crappy shack, and they'll eat tourists, etc. etc.What's worse is they seem to be in about a third of all recent horror films.

Now, at about halfway in the film looked like it had some promise. Then the characters suddenly went into full-on idiot mode.

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Let me pose some questions and see what you would pick in a mutant hillbilly situation, compared to the characters in this film.

Question 1: A group of mutants have kidnapped your baby and killed most of your family. You eventually find the kid, guarded by a bald, nasty looking woman in a chair. You have a baseball bat. Do you:

A: Sneak up behind the murderous kidnapper and beat her to death before sneaking out with the baby?
B: Sneak to the baby, pick her up (leaving you unable to use the bat), and then try to sneak out?

Question 2: You have a pistol with one magazine left. An unarmed crazy bloke is running towards you. Do you:

A: Take careful aim and shoot the guy dead?
B: Run away screaming while firing all of your bullets inaccurately over your shoulder?

Question 3: You are fighting a huge guy with a big axe. Eventually you stab him with the broken remains of your bat. Do you:

A: Keep hitting him with anything nearby until he's dead?
B: Stare for thirty seconds while he slowly pulls the splinters out and then starts walking towards you?

Question 4: A hillbilly comes very close to killing you in a fist fight, leaving you badly injured. You grab a shotgun when he's distracted, hit him three times in the face, and then shoot him twice in the chest. Do you:

A: Walk over to the body, pump the rest of your shells into it, and then throw it off of the nearby cliff for good measure?

B: Walk over to the body, smile, drop the loaded shotgun next to it, and then act horrified when he gets up and grabs it?

C: Wish someone in Hollywood could come up with a single original idea and stop watching shit like this?

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If you answered A to the questions you're a normal, sensible human being. If you answered B you've got a guaranteed place in the movie making business, and would be a great infuriating horror protaganist.

If you answered A to all of them and then C on Q4 as well, I am very much in agreement with you.

Final Rating:

I'm giving this film 1/5 for descending into the land of extremely lame cliche.
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