Supermarkets

Have you ever noticed that supermarkets seem to be a kind of congregation area for people who enjoy making life frustrating? Sometimes I'm convinced that there is some elaborate conspiracy that shoppers and staff alike are in on. They all communicate with each other to make buying some simple items a mind-numbing chore.

Now, to be fair, the majority of the time you'll go into a supermarket and staff will be friendly, professional and pleasant to ask for assistance if you need it. My beef most certainly doesn't lie with these people, and to them I raise a salute.

No, my irritation lies with those like the Aisle Juggernauts, as I'm now going to start calling them. They'll shove a cart right down the aisle in an unswerving line and nearly take your foot off without so much as an apology. If they're having a bad day you'll get a dirty look as if it's your fault that you couldn't phase through the wall to escape them.

Then there's the Boasting Bloke, who is by no means restricted to the supermarket staff profession, but is especially annoying here.

At one point I was in Tesco's to buy milk, newspaper, bread. Boring stuff. That was when I noticed the shelf was blockaded by three guys and a staff cart, two of whom were listening to the Boasting Bloke.

As I stood a few paces away, staring at the milk as if my sheer concentration would cause the group to melt, Boasting Bloke continued to witter on smugly.

"Yeah, so then we went for drinks at blah, and I said blah, and then we all blahdeeblah'd! Hahaha! Yeh, yeh, you know it. And then I was like, blah, I can do that! And then I met her at the bar, and blah-"

At this point I muttered "'Scuse me." to no effect. Concluding that manners were apparently a foreign language in this aisle, I came back right at the end of the shopping list, only to find the prat still rambling on about his great night down the brain donor's clinic pub.

Disturbingly, I found myself  subconsciously sizing up how to best deliver a fatal overhead smash with the crispy French baguette resting in the trolley, but decided against it.

Fortunately the situation eventually resolved itself when an elderly guy practically rugby tackled him out of the way.

Finally for staff, there is the Amateur Juggler. There is a guy like this down my local mini store who just can't seem to resist performing advanced theatrics with food as he puts it through the scanner.

It's not enough to just scan it, he has to spin it round in one hand, slide it through upside down, perform keepy-uppies and eventually reverse header it into the bag. This is combined with a total lack of sense in regard to the fragility of the items.

Maybe it's a squishy cake that he zips through the scanner and slamdunks into the bag? Or perhaps a pack of biscuits that he decides to hurl the jar of marmelade on top of?

Then there are the other customers. I won't go too far into that, this post is already long so lets break it down into brief little classes:

- Mr/Mrs. Vacant - Baked Beans are apparently so wondrous that they deserve being stared at for fifteen minutes...but not before they've blocked the whole aisle with their trolley.

- Which Sandwich? - Lunch is a matter of grave importance for this shopper, who instead of just browsing, will continually lift up various items, stare at them, and put them down. This continues for around five minutes, with the offender always picking up the sandwich you want just as you lunge towards it.


Then there are the new self-service checkouts, which berate you in sudden loud harsh voices if you look at them the wrong way. Lack of a proper queuing system also means that queue places are usually assigned via gladiatorial combat.

Do you have your own shopping hates? Feel free to comment them, I'm sure I've missed quite a few!